Letting Go of the Need to Be Liked: So You Can Lead

I found out recently that someone I was doing business with doesn’t like me. Not just “we’re not close” or “our vibes don’t match.” No. She actively doesn’t like me. I heard it through the grapevine (of course), and I’ll be honest—it stung more than I expected.

At first, I brushed it off. I’m a grown woman. I own a business. I have a mortgage and a Costco membership. I don’t need to be liked. Right?

And yet, for days I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I found myself rerunning every interaction in my head. What did I do? Was it something I said? Was I too much? Not enough? Did I forget a thank-you? Did I overstep? Did I under-impress?

There it was: the old itch of people-pleasing, flaring up like a rash I thought I’d cured.

Why Does This Bother Us So Much?

Here’s the thing: I know I’m not alone. If you’re a woman over 40, especially if you’re a business owner or a leader, you probably know this feeling all too well. The slow burn of being disliked. The gnawing need to fix it, smooth it over, make it make sense.

Let’s just say it: women are conditioned—from birth—to care about being liked.

We’re taught to be agreeable. Cooperative. Helpful. Polite. “Nice.” (Oh, how I loathe that word.) From elementary school to the boardroom, likability is served to us as currency. And heaven forbid we come off as “difficult,” “bossy,” or that favorite old chestnut—“too much” or “a lot”.

Meanwhile, our male counterparts are often rewarded for being assertive. Strategic. Even aggressive. Nobody bats an eye if they ruffle feathers—because leadership, for men, is expected to be a little rough around the edges.

But for us? If someone doesn’t like us, it feels personal. And when it comes to business, it can feel like an existential crisis.

The People-Pleasing Trap: A Gendered Reality

Let’s talk about this straight: people-pleasing is a gendered trap.

Many of us—especially women who were raised in the '70s, '80s, and '90s—grew up internalizing the idea that being liked is synonymous with being safe. If people like us, we won’t get rejected. We won’t get punished. We’ll be included, hired, loved, or invited back.

That survival instinct doesn’t just disappear when you become a founder or CEO. In fact, it can sneak in even harder because now your name is literally on the door. Your reputation, your identity, your brand—it’s all out there. Of course it feels personal.

But here’s the plot twist: being liked and being respected are not the same thing. And leadership—real leadership—is not built on making everyone comfortable. It’s built on clarity, conviction, and a willingness to disappoint people who were never rooting for you in the first place.

When I Got Stuck in the “Why”

Let’s circle back to that moment—the one where I found out she didn’t like me.

Here’s what I wanted to do: analyze every detail of our interactions. Make a spreadsheet of all my possible offenses. Lose hours of sleep rewriting the past in my head. Maybe even try to win her back. Make her see the “real” me. Fix it.

Sound familiar?

But here’s what I am choosing to do instead: I stop. I notice the urge. I honor the feeling. And then I ask myself a better question—not “Why doesn’t she like me?” but “Why does it matter so much?”

That question cracks something open.

Because here’s the truth: I don’t need to be universally liked. That’s not the job. That’s not the mission. And frankly, that’s not even possible.

7 Real, Gritty, Honest Ways to Let Go of the Need to Be Liked (And Lead Like You Mean It)

1. Pause the Spiral

When you find out someone doesn’t like you, your brain will try to make it make sense. It’ll build a case against you and then try to solve it. This is not productive. Hit pause. Take a breath. Go for a walk. Shake it off—literally. Your nervous system needs a reset before your brain can think clearly.

2. Ask a Better Question

Instead of “Why don’t they like me?” ask:

• Is this feedback useful?

• Does this relationship actually matter to my mission?

• Am I triggered because it touches an old wound? Sometimes, the sting of rejection isn’t about them—it’s about old patterns being reactivated. For me I know that wound is from middle-school, and I can still remember exactly who it was that called me smelly, and wrote me notes saying they weren’t my friends anymore. Mean Girls are a thing.

3. Remember: Likability is Not a Leadership Strategy

Being liked is a byproduct, not a business goal. Trying to manage how people perceive you is exhausting—and it dilutes your message. Say the thing. Make the move. Stand for something. The people meant for you will find you. The rest? Let them go.

4. Rewrite the Story

Instead of “She doesn’t like me,” try “We’re not aligned.” Instead of “What did I do wrong?” try “I led in a way she didn’t prefer.” Neutralize the drama. Most of the time, it’s not about your worth—it’s about chemistry, timing, expectations, or projection.

5. Watch What You Make It Mean

Someone not liking you doesn’t mean you’re a bad leader. Or a fraud. Or a failure. Or unlovable. It just means…someone doesn’t like you. Period. Full stop. Don’t give it extra weight it doesn’t deserve.

6. Lead from Integrity, Not Insecurity

When you operate from a place of needing approval, your decisions become reactive and small. When you lead from grounded clarity, your business becomes magnetic. You don’t need everyone. You need your right people.

7. Be the Example for the Next Generation

I have daughters. Watching me obsess over being liked teaches them to do the same. Watching me stand tall, hold boundaries, and move on with grace? That teaches them power. Our healing is their blueprint.

So What Do We Do With the Discomfort?

We feel it. We name it. And then—we move.

We show up for our clients. We write the post that might ruffle feathers. We say “no” to the wrong opportunities. We stop apologizing for having standards. We trust ourselves more than we trust their opinions.

Because guess what? Someone disliking you is not a problem you need to solve. It’s just a data point. Not a defining one. Just a little blip on the radar. Let it float by.

Let’s Be Real: It’s Still Gonna Hurt Sometimes

Listen—I’m not pretending this is easy. I still get caught in the trap. I still have moments where I over-explain, over-apologize, overthink. I still want to be the one everyone loves.

But I’m getting better at noticing it. Calling it out. Letting it go.

Because life is short. Business is bold. And our daughters are watching.

They deserve a world where women lead unapologetically, say what they mean, and let go of approval as a survival skill.

Let’s build that world. One brave “No thanks,” one unreturned email, one “not for me” at a time.

Over to You: What If You Didn’t Need to Be Liked?

So here’s the question I want to leave you with:

What would shift in your life or business if you stopped needing everyone to like you?

Would you pitch bigger clients? Raise your prices without apology? Speak more directly? Say no faster? Finally write the damn book?

I’m inviting you to imagine what would open up if being likable wasn’t your baseline metric for success—and how much lighter and freer you might feel when you stop making yourself small for the comfort of others.

It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Every time you release the pressure to please, you reclaim a little more of your voice, your power, your time.

And maybe most importantly—when you model that for other women (and for our daughters), you show them that leadership doesn’t require shrinking. It requires truth.

Let’s stop trying to be likable.

Let’s be clear. Let’s be real. Let’s be rooted.

Because at the end of the day, the people who are meant for you—your clients, your community, your collaborators—they’re not looking for perfect. They’re looking for honest.

And that’s who you are when you stop asking for permission.